Here’s my broken attempt at those highly appraised Brer Rabbit tales. Forgive me if my southern drawl isn’t quite on point…Enjoy!
Brer Fox came a-chargin’ down the road, a-grumblin and a-growlin.
“I swear once I’m through with dat dar rascally rabbit dar won’t be left hide o’ hair on ‘is back! Dis is da last time he eva gonna swipe my goober peas!” And he continued to barrel down the road ’til ‘e run smack into Brer Bear, a-lumberin and a-‘rumblin’.
Brer Bear bust out a-sayin’, ” I swear once I’m through with dat dar rascally rabbit dar won’t be left hide o’ hair on ‘is back! Dis da last time he eva bamboozles me outta my ‘oney!”
Seenin’ as dey both aimed to clobber Brer Rabbit, dey charged down da road togetha, ’til dey run smack into Sis Cow, a-stampedin’ an’ a-fumin’.
“I swear once I’m through with dat dar rascally rabbit dar won’t be left hide o’ hair on ‘is back!” she bust out a-sayin’, ” Dis da last time he eva gonna get a drop o’ my milk!” And da three of ’em went a chargin’ down da road to skin da hide off Brer Rabbit.
Now, Brer Rabbit was a-floatin’ down the stream on a big ol’ log, a great big grin coverin’ ‘is face. He was as calm and as unsuspectin’ of the calamity about to befall ‘im as a still pond is to da rapids just below. He was a-whistlin’ when all a sudden, three great big critters fell upon him, snatchin’ him from atop dat log.
“We a got ‘im now!” exclaimed Brer Fox.
“An’ he ain’t slippin’ away like a slimmy ol’ eel no more!” added Brer Bear.
Sis Cow just a-mooed and stomped her hoof, smoke a’risin from ‘er nostrils.
She made ready to charge, but Brer Fox stopped her a-sayin’, “He’s mine to skin, Sis Cow. You jus’ keep yer horns off of him.”
“Oh no, he ain’t! Git outta da way afore I run ya down too,” she bellowed. A normally calm cow she was, but when provoked as ornery an’ fierce as a mad hornet.
“I kinda think he should be mine,” rumbled Brer Bear, keepin’ dat rascally rabbit pinned to the ground.
“Den why haven’t ya ground ‘im into tiny little pieces yet?!” shouted Brer Fox.
“I’m a-catchin’ my breath, Brer Fox. It’s been a long time since I a-lumbered so fast-like,” Brer Bear moaned.
Sis Cow, fed up with all da jawin’, made ready to charge agin.
“Oh no ya don’t!” And Brer Bear uttered a ferocious roar. Brer Fox just stood aside angry-like, sorely ovapowered by the other two.
“Why, howdy, Brer Bear—Sis Cow, Brer Fox,” said Brer Rabbit. Stoppin’ mid roar and mid charge, Brer Bear and Sis Cow blinked. Brer Fox blinked. The rascally rabbit continued:
“Why, it must have been dat dar roar of yours, Brer Bear, that awakened me from my daze.”
The others blinked again.
“What a relief to see ya’ll here! I was ‘most sure I’d be a goner after dat fearsome beast took hold o’ me like I was nothin’ but a twig a-floatin’ downstream—I must-a fainted from da shock.”
They blinked once more.
“Then imagine my surprise and pleasure at seein’ ya’ll beside me. My friends are good uns, in-deed, to save me in my hour o’ need.”
Brer Bear plopped down beside Brer Rabbit, twitching ‘is nose and sniffling. Sis Cow sat dumb-like. Brer Fox shook his head.
“I dunno what kind o’ tricks yer up to, Brer Rabbit, but ya’d better drop ‘em right now,” Brer Fox warned. “We know ya been pilferin’ agin.”
“My milk,” Sis Cow nodded.
“My goober beans,” asserted Brer Fox.
“My honey,” blubbered Brer Bear, for he had a-burst into tears after Brer Rabbit’s speech.
“Why, I just been a-thanking ya’ll for savin’ my hide! I been sayin’ how no rabbit eva had better friends than me,” reminded Brer Rabbit. “Do you really think I’d be ‘pilferin’’ from such good friends? It most breaks my heart,” and dat rascally rabbit sniveled.
Brer Bear exploded into new wave of agony.
“Did ya all actually see me a-pilferin’?” Brer Rabbit added.
Sis Cow jus’ looked down, “No, my head was stuck so as I couldn’t turn around.”
“No, but I know it was you. It’s always you. And I ain’t plannin’ on lettin’ ya get away agin!” Brer Fox broke out. “I told ya folks we had a-better clobbered ‘im quick-like…” Brer Fox pleadingly looked at sobbin’ Brer Bear and dejected Sis Cow. Dat rascally rabbit opened his sorrowful eyes as wide as two saucers and sniffled so dat he had to wipe ‘is nose with ‘is hand.
“You didn’t save me? You were da ones who were gonna do me in?” he choked out.
“Neva!” sobbed Brer Bear.
“No, I couldn’t hurt a hair on your head, Brer Rabbit,” Sis Cow sniffled.
“I…I…” and aginst ‘is will, Brer Fox a-started blubberin’ too.
“Forgive us, Brer Rabbit!” they all pled. And Brer Rabbit—dat notorious rascal—outta the magnanimous heart o’ his, said that o’ course he would.
Five minutes later, Brer Rabbit was a-hoppin’ down the road, as pleased as could be, grinnin’ from ear to ear. He stopped by the edge o’ the stream, by a dam, and spotted the same ol’ log he had been a-floatin’ on. He stuck ‘is hand into that log, an’ pulled out its contents: one sack o’ goober beans, one jar o’ honey, and one jug o’ milk.